Heaven…

I know firsthand about this…meaningless sex is the easy part…being vulnerable and exposing your heart is the dangerous part

Sometimes I feel like doing this all day…LOL

A wise man once told me…Don’t let everyone in your business! You give them the ability to judge you…

This was in regard to confiding in my friends on some issue that upset me. When he said this I stopped and thought…Damn!…but then I realized he was right.

I thought I was getting friends’ help, sharing my internal struggles, but I realize that most of the time what you expect to happen just doesn’t. I shared personal info and because they only saw the superficial, they couldn’t really comprehend the depth of my feelings, past, actions, etc, they created their own dialogue…and simplified the issue. They were detached from my situation, didn’t live it, and did not understand it…and they judged me. And I felt like shit!

But I should have known…people are people. We judge no matter what. Next time I will be wiser about whom I share my business with. SMH

I think I’m in love with a man but all signs are telling me don’t persue it further. We met over a year ago and we spent lot of time together and we fucked like crazy. He wasn’t afraid to give it to me how I liked it, but I was dealing with a lot of issues and just ended a long relationship.

I realize that I was afraid to have a relationship with this man. There are some factors that are not favorable to me, but he makes me feel safe. I trusted him with everything…except my heart.

For some time I tried to deny him, but he wldnt fo away. He told me he loved me, at first I didn’t believe him…but he’s never lied. I realize that I love this man, but I’m afraid to fail. I’m afraid that I will put all work in and he will break my heart or I might break his…

I knew I loved him when I felt like taking the risk…taking a chance even if failed. I felt a burden lifted from my heart, and now think of him all the time…

This year has been crazy and to be honest one of the worst years I have ever had. Pretty much everything that I thought was or is…was not or is not. Like the tarot card Tower, my fantasy of who my family, friends, and life was crumbled into the ocean…what I knew no longer exists…

I tried this year to focus on what I want and I realize that people don’t like that…and I realize I strayed from my path.

I’ve seen ugliness in people I never thought I would. And lost a lot of trust in others. This year has been truly a lonely year…and most disappointing.

I have done things…good and bad…which I would have never thought I would do. Things I am proud of and things I am ashamed of…

Despite all of that…I am thankful for this year. It has been a lesson in life. Not all times are great, I feel that in our worst times we can be the strongest and learn the most from ourselves and others. I am thankful to finally see how people really are…interesting how communication can be so difficult. And sometimes such a huge disparity between what one says and what is understood.

I am happy to feel this loneliness and disappointment…happy and sad at same time. Happy to have made bad decisions and learn from them. Now the only thing is to keep moving forward. Not to linger in 2011, not to hold onto shame, disappointment, loneliness, discontent, insecurities, hatred…fear.

2012 will be filled with courage, love, confidence, contentment, forgiveness, growth, freedom and peace. Most important I will be honest with myself and not hold back my feelings and thoughts.

erospainter:

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”
― Anaïs Nin

erospainter:

some thoughts as we head into the new year..2012 on the art of letting go

We struggle so often to want the new..the new job..the new appliance..the new relationship and yet when we finally do pursue the New..we are so often caught up in the tyranny of the past..the past..comparision of the new potential lover to the old one..the baggage of the past..that the new person has no reason to inherit..or fix..and yet we want to start anew..and yet so many times we are stuck in the legacy of our emotional past..the time is right to just let it go…
let go..say it three times..”I can let go” Yes I can
It’s time to let go of the past, to release that which no longer serves our growth, and to rebuild upon a new foundation. We are all healers, and this is a great opportunity to transform our lives in a way that will nourish our soul.
We need not be guilty of creating a life of happiness. There is no need to hurt those who have limited us in freeing ourselves. And, in some cases, we may need to break free from a career, a job, a relationship, or even family in order to create the life we want. However, most letting go is not usually burning a bridge, but often letting go is an inside job: letting go might mean changing our belief pattern, a way we process emotion, or how we view life.
It is important to take inventory of our positives and negatives prior to ever making a decision to let go of the past. I recommend getting out a notebook and writing these lists down.
Who and what is affecting us positively? Who and what is affecting us negatively? If a person, job, or family member — even a lover — is putting us down frequently, then we may be wise to address the issue with them and/or either create change in that relationship or distance ourselves from them.
One way to let go of the past is to remove or revise our expectations that created conflict… and in the letting go..can you even try to build the new future that you so deeply deserve…

Thx Erospainter…hit nail on the head

So there’s this guy at work that I have small crush on. I’m trying to behave and have been really good. This guy is much older but he looks like my type. I like the idea of the crush and want to keep it that way. We just started talking, small chit chat…glances at each other. But no flirting although I’m quite the flirt. I have held back. Not sure if single and plus I work with him and he’s much older.

Funny thing is, I don’t really see him sexually, like I’m just enjoying the childish crush. It’s silly…and not so complicated…LOL